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CORRECTING SEXUAL PERFORMANCE PROBLEMS: PERSONALITY DYNAMICS
Sex means different things to different people, depending on their personality makeup. For some, sexual relating is a duty to perform as part of a relationship contract. For others, sexual release is a primary form of relaxation to counter accumulated life pressures. Still others cling desperately to sexual interaction as a source of validation of personal worth and attractiveness. Sex is a brief and goal-directed performance for some and a meandering, playful give-and-take for others.
The way we react sexually is often an indicator of our gut-level psychological action. Pay attention to each other and to yourself in this regard. If your sexual pattern of interaction has changed or if your inner feeling about sex is one of discomfort, perhaps you are being affected by some unresolved aspect of your personality-based reactions to sexual intimacy or to the overall stresses of the rehabilitation process.
For example, some people are programmed to feel discomfort with intimacy in general. They feel most comfortable staying at a physical and emotional arm’s length from other people. Others are programmed to feel comfortable with intimacy as long as interactions remain nonsexual. Such people typically associate some antierotic emotion such as guilt, fear, shame, or anxiety with open sexual expression.
Both personality-based reactions and stresses of rehabilitation were probably affecting one of my extremely time-urgent, anxious, Type A heart patients, who once bragged to me, “I haven’t slowed down a bit since my heart attack. My wife and I have sex at least three times a week.”
His wife replied, “Since his heart attack, everything about him has speeded up, including his sex life. We do have sex three times a week— for a total of about six minutes. He gets on me, then gets off me. It’s as though he’s running from something and is afraid to slow down. He’s always been hard driving, but he’s never been as unaware as he is now.”
Still other personalities have no particular difficulty feeling permission to enjoy sexual intimacy; they have an accurate and educated understanding of what it takes to have a good sex life. Their problem is that they are exhausted by the stresses that are being fueled by their personality-based coping patterns. Being burned out with worry, fatigue, stress, or frustration is hardly any way to begin feeling sexy.
Exploring the many possible causes of and solutions to personality-based roots of sexual dysfunction is beyond the scope of this book. However, developing a basic understanding of each other’s personality makeup can greatly help you control your reactions, both in responding sexually and in responding to illness. These topics are discussed in the following three chapters.
Let it suffice to say that if you and your partner are experiencing sexual struggle that does not improve when you try the various cognitive, behavioral, and relationship strategies outlined in this chapter, then perhaps basic differences in personality are at the root of your problems. This does not mean that you cannot change.
Openly communicating about these differences may help lessen your discomfort in this area. Or it may be necessary to receive’ professional psychological counseling to learn to overcome old anxieties that are interfering with your intimacy. In either case, it pays to believe in your own and your partner’s ability to learn to relax and enjoy safe and comfortable sexual intimacy. Loving, patient support from each other is of great help in making such changes.
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